If you’re not watching AMC’s Breaking Bad right now, (and why not? … It’s like, pretty awesome. Yo.) I pretty much don’t like you. Unless you’re on Dish Network, then I guess you don’t have the option. Actually on second thought, I hate you worse. THIS IS FORCING ME TO SIT THROUGH 500 AMC REMINDERS THAT PEOPLE ON DISH ARE’NT WATCING THE SHOW THAT IS CURRENTLY ON. Why does AMC do this? It’s really annoying. And obviously if I’m having to sit through it then I FREAKING GET AMC, SO SHUT UP.
Now those of you who know me (which is about 1% of you) know that I am a diehard Miami Dolphins fan. They are the worst team in their division, much like UK. They play in front of half empty stadiums, much like UK. They are mostly without talent, much like UK. And do you know what else? They have a ridiculous, easy, cushy preseason practice schedule which leaves them underprepared and uncompetitive for the upcoming season.
MUCH LIKE UK. (Miami Dolphins to UK comparison. Not available on Dish.)
FOR EXAMPLE When I think about an NFL training camp, I think of a bunch of overpaid prima-donna’s having to bunk-up in some crappy small college for three weeks of 24/7 practices, film sessions, weight training, etc. However I was quite surprised when turning on HBO’s Hard Knocks and seeing that my last place dolphins have training camp in a 4-star resort. An actual vacation resort. YOU’VE. GOT. TO. BE. KIDDING. How soft and pathetic is that? It’S hard to beliEve why New England pounds us every season by 25!!!! (HBO Hard Knocks Reference. Not available on Dish)
So imagine my attitude when I see that Joker has done things in UK’s preseason like ending practice early for ice cream, or a completely canceled practice for a pool day. A pool day…. NEWSFLASH!!!! WE GOT BEAT BY VANDY BY 30 POINTS LAST SEASON. YOU TALENTLESS BUNCH OF SLAPDICKS DON’T DESERVE ICE CREAM. OR A POOL DAY. EVER. So when Louisville throws for 300 yards on us, just think “pool day! Lolz yay!!” Terrible. (Pool Day. Not available on Dish)
Everywhere I turn I keep seeing people out there thinking UK is going to be 5-7 or possibly 6-6. YOUR ARE ALL IDIOTS. Seriously? Why do you think this? GIVE ME PURE, QUANTITATIVE EVIDENCE PROVING THAT UK CAN BEAT ANY MORE THAN 3 TEAMS ON THIS SCHEDULE. Throw your “gut feeling” or “intuition” crap out of the window. That’s womanish garbage, and has no place in the game of football. (Here’s looking at you Pam Ward.) Honestly, please tell me WHY YOU THINK UK WILL WIN A SINGLE A SEC GAME. PUT IT IN THE COMMENTS BELOW. BUT FIRST LET ME GIVE YOU TWO REASONS WHY WE WON’T:
(Reason #2. Not available on Dish)
Honestly, everyone just take a deep breath and admit that you are being over optimistic homers, and just accept how quickly Joker Phillips has decimated what Rich Brooks left him. Let's be honest, only Rick Pitino blows faster.
Short one this week. I have better things to do. Send me your hate mail at: email@example.com or Catch me on them twitters @KSNClive and as always on the KSN podcast. (KSN podcast. Not available on Dish)