It’s Thursday friends, and do you know what that means? Aside from you now completely mailing-in the rest of the work week, it means your old buddy Clive is back again to share sweet nuggets of joy. Let start with this excellent free tip: Don’t get into the shower with a runny nose.  It is a disaster waiting to happen.  Trust me.   

So let’s jump right in.

The big news this week was that UK didn’t sell-out its ticket allotment for the UL game.  WOW! IM SO SHOCKED! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT FANS AREN’T ENTHUSED ABOUT THIS SEASON? THEY DON’T WANT TO TRAVEL and watch THIS TEAM get destroyed by our most hated rival? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?? Ok, why does this surprise anyone? This team is NOT Good (read awful). And if you went to Fan Day last week and didn’t cancel your season tickets, I salute you.

Also, tickets were $78 dollars!  $78 FREAKING DOLLARS?!?!?!  DO you know how many tacos I could buy with $78? (My guess is around 64)  Besides this isn’t the Dallas Cowboys’ Jerry-World, or Fenway Park, its Papa John’s stadium.   Only prisons are filled with more line-beards and tattoos.

Sometimes I think the workers in the UK athletics office have no intelligence. I bet we had to raise basketball ticket prices last season because Mitch got an email from the deposed king of Ethiopia and “loaned” him $5 million to help him get back in to power. How long can this program/university stay in denial about the status of the football program?  Facilities… awful. Coaching staff… awful. Offensive Play calling… awful. Game day experience… awful. Barbecue Pulled-Pork Nachos…  nice. So get out your notepads UK staff, Clive has some solutions for you.

Changes That Would Instantly Improve UK Ticket Sales

• Get rid of the band.  We have enough talent-less hacks on the field every Saturday as it is. Just bring in local Pop Warner/JFL teams and let them scrimmage during halftime, UK might find its second half QB!
• Designate every seat in commonwealth stadium Premium Seating, so you could serve alcohol. Then have stadium-wide drinking games after UK gets blown-out in the second half.  Every UK sack –drink.  Every touchdown UK gives up- drink. Every time Raymond Sanders gets negative yards-drink. Well wait, that last one could cause alcohol poisoning.
• REMOVE THE NETS. Tossing the football out of Commonwealth Stadium is a time-honored UK tradition. Shame on you for putting up nets to deprive us of this. SHAME! and
• Either get rid of the endless in-game sponsors (e.g. UPS game ball delivery, Thornton’s first down, etc..) or just start sponsoring everything. “That 30-yard catch was brought to you by Stickum Adhesive” or “This delay of game on the offence is brought to you by Timex.” Or maybe “That sack was brought to you by Gold Bond medicated powder.” You get the idea.

Only a couple of more days of Olympics. Hold tough dear friends, this nightmare is almost over. Although last weekend I did learn of a heartwarming tale courtesy of our Chinese friends.  Apparently the father of their champion diver Wu Minxia, kept secret from her: (1) her mother’s cancer and (2) her grandparent’s deaths, so that she could train uninterrupted. He is quoted as saying  “We never tell her what’s happening at home, … When grandma died, it seemed almost like she had a premonition, and she called us asking if she was okay… we told her, ‘everything’s okay. Finish your diving and be at the sweatshop by noon.’” (Don’t hold me to this translation.) 

But the point is he straight up lied to her to improve her performance. This. Is. Awesome.  I really can’t say enough about how great this is.  The only thing that could have made this better, was if they tried to switch out her dead grandmother with another lady and pass it off like nothing happened. Kind of how we would replace a child’s dead pet goldfish with an identical one without the kid noticing. Gosh, sometimes I swear I love the Chinese. Forget about Chik-fil-A, I bet General Tso doesn’t have gay rights controversies at his chicken restaurants.

Last but certainly not least, ESPN’s College Game day has reported that they will be coming to RUPP arena for the Missouri game on February 23.  Listen up UK FANS:  THERE IS NO REASON THAT THIS SHOULDN’T BE THE DISASTER ESPN IS HOPING IT WONT BE. We need to be so loud that anytime Digger has anything to say he is unintelligible on screen.  I’m serious, DO NOT LET HIM SPEAK. CHANT, SCREAM, THROW THINGS AT HIM FOR ALL I CARE.  ESPN needs to know better than to allow these fools like Digger, or Bobby Knight to come inside RUPP without being treated like dirt.  If Mitch doesn’t have to apologize to ESPN/Digger on behalf of the students/fan behavior I’m going to be really disappointed in all of you.

I’m out.  Send me your hate mail at: ihateclive@gmail.com or Catch me on them twitters @KSNClive and as always on the KSN podcast.